I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
