Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
