Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
