I cockslap morals
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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