can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
