Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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