Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
