He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
