Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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