I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
