my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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