when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
