You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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