WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
