You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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