I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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