Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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