I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Is it because I queefed?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
