If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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