DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
