I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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