just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
