i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
