Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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