Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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