We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
