My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
How naked do you want me to be?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
