Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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