You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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