You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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