3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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