He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
