i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
