I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
