be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
