She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
