the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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