I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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