he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
