Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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