why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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