Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
