Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
