hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
