Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
