We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
