She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
