guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
