he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
