At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
