how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
